i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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