How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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