I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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