i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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