I think im going to throw up on grandma
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
