I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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