There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
