Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
