where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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