my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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