I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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