I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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