Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
