Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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