Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
