i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
