Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
