Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
