Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize