Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
