Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
