no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Terrible idea I love it
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
