he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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