I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
