Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
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