I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
