feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
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