what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
