Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
