What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
