Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize