We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
