so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
