Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
