You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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