I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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