Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
