It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
