i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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