The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
you never un-have a 4some
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
