he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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