Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
