hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
