Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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