Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dick very happy bro
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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