So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
