Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
