you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I love you. Go after that dick
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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