I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
