I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
