i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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