omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
