you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
