im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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