the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
