So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
