I could make wine with my vomit
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
