My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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